When your child is working up courage

Courage isn't the absence of fear, and children who are taught it is tend to conclude they simply don't have any. Bravery is doing the thing while still afraid — and that definition is one a four-year-old can actually meet.

The night before something big is when courage is assembled. What a child rehearses at lights-out is often what they walk in with.

Small, unremarkable acts of bravery accumulate. A child who remembers being brave about the swimming pool has evidence to draw on for the dentist.

The belief "I can do hard things" is built from remembered evidence, not encouragement. Your job the night before is largely to help them retrieve the evidence they already have.

• “What's the bravest thing you've already done?”
• “What's the first tiny step tomorrow?”
• “Who will be there if it gets hard?”
• “What would you tell a friend who was nervous about this?”
• “Being scared and doing it anyway — that's what brave means.”

1. Together, list three hard things your child has already done.
2. Make them specific and true — the first sleepover, the injection, the slide.
3. Ask how each one turned out.
4. Say the list again in the morning, in the same order.

Don't promise it'll be fine. If it isn't, you've spent the credibility you'll need next time. "It might be hard, and you can handle hard" is both honest and a much stronger thing to carry in.